I Was the Son of the Brides of Dracula (Part III), the Musical

(Early in the show)

SONG

DRACULA

Families such as mine,
Whose roots are lost in time,
Prefer the simple things of life.
A coffin safe and warm
Secure against the storm
Shelters us from care and strife.
Far from light
Till the night
Dreaming life is fine,
We won't fuss and fret
As long as we all get
A really cheeky little wine.

CHORUS

We are all agreed
Wine is what we need
When we're feeling faint and weary;
Wine gives us a glow,
Right from head to toe,
Stops us getting down and dreary.
Drink enough
Of the stuff
And we'll feel divine
So in the dead of night
Give us our delight,
A really cheeky little wine.

DRACULA

Whisky leaves us cold
Even when it's old;
Gin is just for wimps and winos;
Rum will make us sick;
Pernod smells like Vick;
Vodka's even worse than those.

CHORUS

So we choose
Better booze
When it's time to dine:
We'll guzzle, glump and glurp,
Sip and sup and slurp,
A really cheeky little wine.

(The chorus leave the stage)

DRACULA
Now, what's on the agenda for today?

(LUCY, his secretary, rushes forward)

SECRETARY
Well sir, there's a few papers to be signed, a Council meeting, then a meeting with your Ward chairman. And the estate agent, of course.

DRACULA
Ah yes, I'll see to those papers now. Have you got the agenda for the Council meeting?

SECRETARY
Yes sir.

DRACULA
Anything interesting?

SECRETARY
Just the usual, sir.

DRACULA
Hmm. Another evening of boredom. The things one has to go through for the benefit of one's fellow citizens!

SECRETARY
Yes sir.

DRACULA
And that's it, then? Nothing more?

SECRETARY
Well.....

DRACULA
There is something. What?

SECRETARY
Well.......

DRACULA
Come on, woman, spit it out!

SECRETARY
Well....the Countess Elizabeth wants to see you.

DRACULA
And what does she want?

SECRETARY
She wouldn't say, sir. Says it's for your ears alone.

DRACULA
She wants a few peasants I suppose.

SECRETARY
I think so, sir. I hear she's got very few young virgins left.

DRACULA
How does she look?

SECRETARY
Oh, very young, sir. I think she's just had one of her...er, bathing sessions.

DRACULA
And of course she's used up all the blood.

SECRETARY
I would think so, sir. She tends to get a little... shall we say, over-enthusiastic?

DRACULA
Lord below! How many times have I told her you can't just use up your natural assets like that! There's a finite number of peasants in the world. She's rapidly making them an endangered species all on her own!

SECRETARY
I'm afraid the idea of conservation is not one which the Countess seems able to grasp, sir.

DRACULA
We're going to have to do something, Lucy. She has to learn.

SECRETARY
Yes sir. May I suggest, sir, that perhaps you should curtail her supply? A month or two of looking very old may have a salutory effect.

DRACULA
Yes, that is a possibility. We'll have to think about it. I'll see her after the Council meeting. Let her know, will you?

SECRETARY
Yes sir.

DRACULA
And now let's have a look at these papers. Come along.

(Exeunt)

(And to introduce one of my favourite characters - Sharon, the Town Hall tart!)

(Dracula and Sharon enter. Sharon wears a tight skirt and low-cut blouse; she has bleached blond hair and make-up applied like Polyfilla. Her voice is rather coarse.)

SHARON
Ee, Councillor. It's very nice of you to give me a lift home. I'd get soaked if I had to get a bus.

DRACULA
That's quite all right, Sharon. If we keep you working late at the Town Hall it's only right we should see you get home safely. I'll just drop off this briefcase and then we'll get along to your house. There are a lot of important papers in here and I'll feel happier if they're in my safe. I'll not be a moment. (Pause) Unless, of course, you'd like to come in, for a.... drink?

SHARON
Well, I wouldn't say no.

DRACULA
Good. The come along in. (He leads her to the stage) Welcome to my house.

SHARON
Ee thanks. Ee, isn't it lovely? It looks ever so much bigger than it did outside.

DRACULA
Yes. A very clever architect.

SHARON
Ee! You mean it's one of them architect-designed houses? We've got nothing like this in Biddick Hall!

DRACULA
No. (Pause) If you'll just give me a moment I'll put the briefcase away.

(He goes out. She goes to a mirror and puts on even more lipstick and blusher. Then she sits and pulls her blouse a bit further down and her skirt a bit further up. He returns.)

DRACULA
Now, something to drink. Some wine?

SHARON
That'd be lovely. I do like wine. Have you got any Country Manor?

DRACULA
(Winces) I'm afraid not. But I do have some wine from the old country. It's called Egri Bikaver - Bull's.....Blood.

SHARON
Oo! That's a funny name for wine. Is it Spanish?

DRACULA
Hungarian.

SHARON
(She realises that she has made a mistake: she's not that thick!) It's just with them having bull fights in Spain I thought.....

DRACULA
(Interrupting her) Do try a glass.

SHARON
Ee, thanks. (She swigs it back) Very nice.

DRACULA
(As he sips his wine) A little more?

SHARON
Ee, I shouldn't. (Simpers coyly) But if you twist me arm....

(He pours her another glass.)

Very nice. (Pause: he smiles) So you come from Hungary then?

DRACULA
Yes. My... family came over - many years ago.

SHARON
That's nice. (Pause) Do you like it here?

DRACULA
(He smiles, and moves a little closer to her) Very much. There is a lot that is (Meaningful voice and look) very attractive about England.

SHARON
Me, I'd like to live in Spain.

DRACULA
Really?

SHARON
Yes. All that sun. (Pause) I go ever so brown. Do you like the sun?

DRACULA
No.

SHARON
You've got very fair skin. You probably burn. Do you?

DRACULA
Oh yes, I burn.

SHARON
That's a shame. I'm going to Spain for me holidays again this year. Benidorm.

DRACULA
Really?

SHARON
Yes, it's nice there. There's a nice beach and some nice pubs and nightclubs. I haven't been to this hotel before but it looks nice.

DRACULA
I'm sure it will be. (Pause) More wine?

SHARON
I shouldn't.....but go on. (Pause) I went to Torremolinos last year. That was nice. I go with me mates. There's four of us; we always go together. There's Tracy and Debbie an' Mandy an' me. We always manage to meet some nice lads.

DRACULA
That's...er...nice.

SHARON Yes. It's great. I like Spanish men. They're really sexy. Foreigners are, aren't they? Much more sexy than English men. They only want to get drunk. (Pause) Ee! I shouldn't be saying this, should I? With you being sort of a foreigner, coming from Hungary and that.

DRACULA
I'm very flattered. Thank you.

SHARON
Ee, it's a lovely house you've got. All this furniture. Is it foreign?

DRACULA
We brought it from Transyl....Hungary.

SHARON
That's nice. (Pause) Er... where is Hungary? I mean, I've heard of it.....but I don't really know exactly where it is.

DRACULA
It's in Central Europe. Near Germany.

SHARON
Oh, I see. (But she doesn't)

DRACULA
A little more wine, Sharon?

SHARON
Well, why not? (He pours) Ee, you're not trying to get me drunk, are you? I'm not that kind of girl.

SONG

I'm not that kind of girl.
How you can think I am I do not know.
What men see
When they look at me
Is only outward show.

That outward show -
Why? I don't know -
Makes men believe I'm easy,
But believe me, pal,
This little gal
Would never try to tease ye.

I'm not a tease.
I never would lead on a man and drop him
I'm much too nice _
All sugar and spice _
To ever try to stop him

I'm not......etc.

I do love men
For they provide a certain stimulation
They stimulate
And elevate
And ennervate
And ........ ohhhh!

I'm not.... etc.

DRACULA
Don't worry, Sharon. I never thought that you were that kind of girl.

To download a copy of this play, please go to the Download Area.